


Today is not a good day (to die)

by IcyTouch



Category: Free!
Genre: Cancer, Despair, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, I listened to Will Currie writing this so forgive me if it's too dramatic, M/M, Male Pregnancy, Multi, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 10:10:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17681459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IcyTouch/pseuds/IcyTouch
Summary: No day is a good day to die





	Today is not a good day (to die)

To be honest, he tells himself, he should've known. Should've seen the signs earlier.

The snow crunches beneath his heavy, black combat boots - he got them from Nagisa as a gag gift, who could have known that they were so comfortable in cold weather - and his breath fogs before his mouth, every intake of freezing air makes his lungs ache but that's fine because he knows that they will still ache even once he's back inside in their warm living room. Haru is probably waiting already, apron tied around his waist, deadpan as always as he'll open the door and _You're late come eat_ but he will decline politely because he's feeling a little under the weather, has been for the past few weeks. He looks up at the windows of the building, illuminated by a welcoming, gentle light and immediately regrets coming back, he should've stayed away just a little while longer but now he's here and unlocks the front door and steps inside and-

"Rin! Rin, it's unbelievable!"

The platonic love of his life bursts down the stairs and hugs him, laughing so hard that tears are streaming down his face but he's laughing, laughing like Rin has never seen him laugh before and he spins them around in a circle while Haru appears in the kitchen door, spoon in hand.

"Don't kill him before he at least knows the cause for your current insanity", he mutters but Rin sees the faintest smile on his lips.

Sosuke chuckles breathlessly, releases Rin from his grip and his eyes are glowing brighter than the stars as he whisks Haru into an embrace, kisses his forehead and holds him closer than ever.

"Haru's pregnant!"

Rin stares at them, stares and stares and stares because it's unfair, it's so _unfair,_ so goddamn _unfair_ because he'll have a son and he can't be a father anyway and before he knows it, tears are pouring down his face for the first time in years. He breaks down, his legs give out and he falls to his knees, sobbing, hands clawing the carpet beneath him as he screams in agony and hears their concerned shouts while Makoto rushes down the stairs, followed by Rei and Nagisa as well and everyone tries to hold him, comfort him, everyone wants to know why he's crying but he can't answer because there's not enough air, there's never enough air and then he's on his back, staring at the ceiling.

Someone calls an ambulance and he can't breathe until everything goes white. A familiar smell invades his nose and mouth and he recognizes it while they carry him outside and back to the place he left half an hour ago. The people around him are strangers in yellow and white vests and coats, yelling and whispering and touching him and asking him questions he doesn't want to answer because at home there's Haru, pregnant with his child, their child and he's here, in this godforsaken hospital because his body is slowly starting to rot from within, depriving him of what little time he has still left to spend with his boyfriends and he's crying again.

Nobody is allowed into his room this night even though he hears Sosuke's yells, Nagisa's choked cries and Makoto's pleas to let them see him but they keep the door locked mercilessly until morning and when the nurse finally decides that he's well enough to see someone, she tells them that only one of them can go inside at a time and suddenly, Rin wishes the loneliness back because it's so much worse to face them one after the other. They don't work well in pairs, they work best as a team, as one entity and he can't deal with their accusing glares, their weak attempts to comfort him, the expressions of pure hopelessness on their faces.

Nagisa crawls into bed with him, curls up against his body and cries while stuttering his name over and over again until Rin lifts one hand to pet his soft, golden hair and has to swallow back his own tears, _It's okay, Nagisa, it's okay-_ while the rest barely dares to touch him like he's made of glass and will shatter at the first brush of skin they share. Makoto cries too, but he does it silently and standing upright, hands curled into fists and cheeks flushed as if he's embarrassed of himself. Sosuke doesn't stay long, he avoids Rin's gaze and everytime he parts his lips to say something, his breath hitches and he remains silent at last. Rei apologizes, again and again until Rin is on the verge of begging him to stop because it isn't his fault, it's nobody's fault, it's just the way it is and it's shitty and fucked up and unfair but nobody is at fault.

The worst one to face is Haru.

He comes in long after the others, face serene and calm as always but Rin sees the raging storm in his eyes anyway and Haru touches him. Not the way Nagisa did, like he's seeking comfort or reassurance, but like he's memorizing every single one of Rin's features, like he needs to get to know him _more,_ like he needs to shape a perfect replica of Rin's face and body, like he needs to burn the feeling into his skin and keep it there and even though Rin is short of breath, he kisses Haru as long as possible because every kiss from here on is to be savoured and treasured.

"Cancer", he finally chokes out. "It's too late, Haru. It's too late. I won't see him grow up. I won't see any of you getting married. I won't see you swim at the Olympics. I won't be there to hold you anymore."

Seeing Haru cry is the most horrible thing someone can possibly be forced to watch but now they're here and Haru is crying like he wants to wash all of the words away, his sleeves get soaked as he wipes his face and whispers for Rin to shut up, to just _shut up you idiot, shut up, shut up_ because he can't take it either and that's what scares Rin so fucking much because if Haru can't take it, nobody can. They sit like this for quite some time and then Haru sniffles and takes a deep, shuddering breath - something that Rin isn't able to do anymore with his aching lungs - before he faces the redhead again.

"When are you starting the chemo?", he asks with a voice so even and smooth that nobody would've thought he's just been bawling his eyes out and Rin laughs dryly and coughs because that hurts.

"I'm not... getting a chemo."

This time, it looks like Haru is about to slap him across the face but he doesn't, partly because it feels like he's frozen in time and partly because that's his sick boyfriend and Rin is in enough pain already, he doesn't need to add even more of it. The nurse outside is slowly getting impatient, they're only allowed in here for a limited time and Haru seems to remember too because he leans down, grips a fistful of Rin's hair and presses their lips together so violently that it's not even a kiss anymore.

"You will. I need to go."

And with that, he gets up and leaves the room while Rin is left alone again, watches the father of his son and his boyfriends leave the hospital hand in hand and arm in arm. He wishes he could go with them.

_Your voice I heard speak softly "In love we'll always be"_

All treatments they start are failing within hours or days and the doctors are helpless as they watch how Rin's struggling mind is slowly killed by a body that's giving up, too weak to keep working and living. There's always someone by his side. When Rei and Nagisa are done with school for the day they visit, but they always walk out crying and Rin asks Makoto to tell them to stop coming. He can't bear to look at their tear-stained faces anymore. Sosuke is a silent visitor. He comes and sits and holds Rin's hand when he asks for it, listens when he screams in anger at this fucking world that's robbing him of everything he loves, hugs him tight when he cries and curses and coughs and gasps for air.

He doesn't get a chemo.

The doctors try to encourage him, but Rin can't bring himself to believe that something is going to work against the pain in his lungs and throat and stomach. He feels like throwing up all the time already without the chemo. When Haru hears of it, he's furious.

"How are you supposed to get healthy if you don't start therapy soon?", he yells with trembling voice. "How are you supposed to recover?"

And even though breathing is getting harder with every passing second and every word hurts in his mouth, Rin yells back.

"It's useless anyway, Haru! I'm sick, I'm suffocating, I can barely breathe, I'm _dying,_ Haru! There's no sense in making myself feel even more miserable for the last weeks of my life! I'd just be too weak to even talk to you anymore and it would be horrible for all of us! I want you to remember me as I am now!"

Haru breaks down crying against his chest until he's shaking with tremors that run through his whole body and his hands clutch the fabric of the black shirt he's wearing. It's Rin's. Everything about him is Rin's. The shirt, the jacket, the necklace with the shark tooth attached to it, the child growing inside of him that will never know its father.

"I don't want to need to remember you", he whispers weakly, but Rin has closed his eyes and is struggling to breathe once more.

It starts to happen more often.

_Your touch I felt so softly, both leading and giving_

Haru basically lives in the hospital. The nurses and doctors start to switch from "Nanase-kun" to "Haru-kun" and it doesn't really bother him because as long as he can stay here, nothing else matters. Rin isn't getting better and he completely loses it when the doctor tells him that _yet another_ treatment has been useless.

"Why aren't you helping him?", he screams and Makoto and Rei need to hold him back with all it takes. "Why are you doing absolutely _nothing_ when you see that he's dying? Why? Help him, please, please, you've _got_ to help him..."

Just as he thinks there are no more tears he could cry, the new ones come welling up in his eyes. Makoto hugs him, kisses his cheek and tries to shush him, but the doctors just nod understandingly, apologize and leave. Rin slowly opens his eyes when he hears Haru's voice and smiles reassuringly, even though it's more of a pained grimace. Makoto nudges Rei's hand and they quietly leave the room while Haru climbs onto the bed and rests his head on Rin's shoulder until the sobs start to subside. They stay like this for a very long time. Until Haru carefully pulls something from his pocket and unfolds it.

"Open your eyes", he whispers and Rin does - slowly, but he does.

It's an ultrasound picture. And if he squints really hard, he sees the outlinings of a tiny figure. He doesn't know what to say. It's his child and he loves it to the moon and back before he even knows how it will look like, what it will be like, because he needs to love it while he still can.

"He's beautiful", he chokes out, voice quiet and husky but Haru pretends not to notice and forces himself to keep smiling instead.

His hand is resting on top of his already slightly curved belly like it has been for so often the last few days. He's five months in now and everyone at home is trying to pamper him as much as somehow possible. They'll raise a child - Haru's child, Rin's child - and it's too good to be true. Nagisa and Makoto are fighting over who is going to furnish the room for their son or their daughter and Rei is burying himself in stacks of books about education and kids in general while Sosuke tries his best to read every wish from Haru's eyes. They all treat him like he'll go into labour any minute now, even if it's three months early.

"Did you think about a name already?", Haru asks softly while he runs one hand through Rin's sweaty hair and entangles their legs. "They're arguing about that day and night but I told them, you're the one who gets to chose the name."

Rin laughs throatily and winces in pain, but he doesn't break into a coughing fit again.

"Me? Oh God Haru, you know that I'm bad with this stuff."

The snow outside is piling up too high, the room is too cold, Rin is too weak, his breath is too slow and Haru's eyes are too wet once again but he bites the tears back and starts to suggest names he likes. They laugh about some and discuss others, but in the end, there's nothing they can really settle on. After that, they just rest, enjoy eachother's company and suddenly, Rin turns his head so he's facing Haru. And with all the love one single soul could possibly hold, he looks at his boyfriend.

"I love you two so much."

Haru gets up and mutters something about some tea for them both just to hide the tears but as soon as he's standing, he doubles over in pain and gasps. Immediately, all weakness and exhaustion doesn't matter anymore. Rin is up and by his side the second his knees hit the floor and _goddamnit,_ he can't even scream for help with the pain in his throat.

"Haru?", he whispers, panicking. "Haru, what's wrong? What's-"

A nurse rushes in, having heard Haru's pained cry and within seconds, there are three more people around. One of the doctors helps Rin back onto the bed but he struggles and calls out for his boyfriend and trashes against the hold of the man, but Haru is being led away already. Rin breaks into tears because _what's happening to him, please, please, let me see him, what's wrong, what is going on..._

Other patients leave their rooms to see what the cause of the whole ruckus is and one of them, a young man that sometimes comes by to talk to Rin when nobody is around, enters his room.

"That's your man, aye?", he asks uneasily. "Looks like they're taking him down to the labour ward."

Rin's eyes widen in panic and fear because that's impossible, Haru is only five months pregnant, he can't have the baby yet, it's not enough time, it's not enough and again there's not enough air either and his chest is heaving as he desperately tries to breathe but can't and the man is yelling for a doctor to help but not even the oxygen mask over his face eases his struggle this time. All he can think is that downstairs, there's the love of his life, giving birth without anyone by his side but nurses, not even Sosuke or Makoto are here and that's his child, his son is being born and suddenly he realizes that there is hope, that maybe he will meet his child and cradle it, once, just once maybe and kiss its tiny face and say that he loves it and see Haru holding it in his arms and there's _hope_ and then-

... there's nothing.

When Haru opens his eyes hours later to the tiny girl named Ahmya on his arms, there is nobody there to hug them both, to tell him that he's proud, to tell him that their baby girl is beautiful, that they'll somehow manage even though her chances aren't that good. There's nobody there who will play with her and protect her from mean kids on the playground and later on will comfort her after her first heartbreak and stare at her first boyfriend with suspicion.

There's nobody there who Haru is able to call her father.

Because Rin is gone.

  
  
_With tired eyes and worn out face, darling I still see you as you are_

**Author's Note:**

> I made myself cry with this wtf this started as a sick-fic and got out of hand pretty quickly so excuse me while I hit myself in the face now


End file.
